You always think you know your friends well. That is until you place them in an uncomfortable situation. As humans, our true colours come out when we are at our most uncomfortable. This week I asked my friends, who are not murderers, to place themselves in a murderer’s shoes and explain to me how they would get rid of a dead body should the need arise. The results were interesting. I must say it was surprisingly fun exploring a darker-than-usual side to my friends. Those who responded too soon with plans to dispose of a body shall now be invited over to my home a lot less often. It was also interesting to compare their preferred method of disposal with existing murders. Now, let me tell you how my friends would dispose of a dead body if they ever found themselves with a dead body in need of disposal.
NON-MURDERER NUMBER 1:
This lady truly managed to come up with an original and fairly elaborate method of body disposal. Non-murderer number 1 would disguise the body, in a remotely operated wheelchair, as a suicide bomber. The body (I presume dressed in a lot of clothes to disguise the fact that it is dead) will then be wheeled into some area far away from her home and detonated. I will say, although this plan clearly took a lot of thought and planning, it is the only one so far that creates more dead bodies in order to dispose of one dead body.
NON-MURDERER NUMBER 2:
This non-murderer opted for a mafia inspired disposal. He would prefer to tie a very heavy weight to the body and send it deep down into the ocean. Although that method didn’t work so well for Jafar, most people don’t have a magic genie with them and from what I can tell, it might work. Then again, I know nothing about murdering or body disposal so who knows…
NON-MURDERER NUMBER 3:
Non-murderer number 3 has a more “economical” idea for disposing a body. She would prefer to take the body to a pig farm where it will ultimately be fed to the pigs. Although this has been proven to work by Michael Jones, it leaves me with so many questions about bacon. However, should this friend ever invite me to join her on a pig farm I will be inclined to rather stay at home.
NON-MURDERER NUMBER 4:
This particular non-murderer has a liking for the gang-styled body disposal. He would place the chopped-up body into some heavy-duty black bags, drive really far down the coast and ditch these bags deep within the sandy dunes. As we know from a group of 6 gang members now known as “the dune murderers”, this method does not work.
NON-MURDERER NUMBER 5:
This particular non-murderer had a few ideas about body disposal. If I know this person well enough I know that his first method of disposal was likely inspired by John Wayne Gacy.
Method number one would be to bury the body in a construction site where it would soon be built over. There are a few more details, I’m sure, that he would need to figure out but in general a construction burial is the plan here.
His next attempt at getting rid of a body would be to burn it in a very large bonfire. I would assume that this would be somewhere fairly remote considering the smell and the time it might take. After the bonfire, he would take whatever bones and ash remain and mix it with some cement and then proceed to bury said cement-human mixture.
Method number 3 is slightly more eco-friendly. With this method, the body will be buried in a remarkably deep hole and have a tree planted on top of it. I’m sure (as awful as this sounds) that this would be a fairly symbiotic relationship. The tree would have a fairly substantial amount of decomposing nutrients and the body would have some help with the decomposition part of its imminent future.
NON-MURDERER NUMBER 6:
This non-murderer had trouble deciding between feeding chunks of his murderee to the crocodiles or tossing it in a pit and setting it alight with some jet fuel. In the end however, it was decided that chunks of the body would be tossed into a pit of hungry crocodiles. The pit would then be covered in jet fuel and set on fire. Why stop at one great method when you could use two great methods?
NON-MURDERER NUMBER 7:
I had to save the best for last for this is truly my favourite response. Therefore, I shall quote non-murderer number 6 exactly as I received it.
“First thought is burning the body, but that is useless. You’d have to do it like 3 or 4 times to get rid of everything so you'd probably be caught by then.
I think I'd probably have to get some plastic sheeting from a hardware store, disguised as a builder with a cap on (for the cameras). Then I’d put the sheeting along with the body in the bath and cut it into manageable pieces (shitty I know but garden shears should help).
Then I'd take a couple of cooler boxes to a deserted coastline, hire a little boat and feed it to the sharks. To be honest though, I am struggling with that last bit.
Then I’d wipe down the entire house with bleach - so that I don't get caught by that pesky luminol stuff.”
There you have it. This is how non-murderers would get rid of a previously murdered body. As boring as it is to say, these all sound like a lot of effort so I would guess it is much easier to just not have a dead body in need of disposing. Never mind the effort it takes to get rid of it but the possibility of spending the rest of my life in prison just seems kind of boring to me.
